The Best Part about Dating a Homeless Girl..

Whenever I pass a homeless person sitting on a frozen sidewalk in the middle of the winter there’s usually one thing that comes to my mind..”There’s gotta be a better way of doing this.” Instead of trying to solve the homeless problem, I place myself in the position of a homeless person and try to figure out a year long game plan to minimize street time in the winter. The obvious is going somewhere warm to be homeless, but if I could do that, I’d probably either have to hitch-hike(too paranoid) or fly (which if i had that kind of money I’d rent a place). So let’s hypothetically say I am a homeless person living in Chicago (or even the suburbs of Chicago), where would I go?

March – October

These are the bearable months, meaning I could live on the streets but not without rules.

1. I would have to make money during these months (calculations will follow). Money can be made either doing odd jobs (sweeping front sidewalks, washing windows of random stores) or begging.

2. Food: Begging, dollar menu, soup kitchens, trick or treating

3. Entertainment: Local library (books and also the five minute internet allowance computers which are open during non-peak hours)

November-February

These are the months in which the winter starts hitting hard. Hopefully by this point, you have made enough money to initiate the second phase of the year. You’ll have to have made at least $200 dollars. Why is this? Because, you’ll need to pay a monthly membership.

1. Lifetime ($50/month)

• Open 24 hours/7 days a week. Lifetime is on the more expensive side, but the size is larger thus allowing you to be noticed less.
• Sleep: Sauna, Locker Room, Showers
• Shower and Bathroom both available at all times
• Entertainment: They have televisions in the workout areas as well as in the lockerrooms.
• Food: Make friends with the cafeteria guys and eat leftovers
  • If you are in the Schaumburg area during this time, you can even walk to the Costco. Wait until a group has entered and shown their card, slowly lag behind and point at them so the greeter thinks you are of their party.
  • Free Samples available which can actually fill you up
  • If you have spare cash: $1.50 for a drink and a hotdog (fyi: these are kosher for the zabiha eating homeless)
  • Costco also has comfortable sofas and televisions where you can view movies
• Advantages: You will be the buff-est homeless person which will help you in the summer months

There’s probably a lot I’m not factoring in here, such as enrollment fees or prejudice or total suspicion, but I think this plan may just work. On a side note, if you don’t believe this is the plan for you, then second runner up is living on an open campus. Kids are generous, drunks always want someone to talk to, and the library doesn’t card so you can sleep in a corner or read.